Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Trying To Adjust

I have been trying to adjust to the fact that I am not pregnant anymore. While pregnancy has its unpleasant parts (morning sickness, back pain, etc.), it is still a joyful time, full of anticipation and dreams. There are dreams of what the baby looks like, how he or she will fit into the family, the joys of the baptism, then thinking of how the other kids will dote on him or her, making plans for room arrangements, and a thousand other things. Then there are the things you do for your little baby in the womb: cut back on caffeine, avoid alcohol, avoid most over-the-counter drugs, watch what you eat, avoid hot baths, and others. Every time now that I have a little extra caffeine or take ibuprofen for a headache, I am reminded that I am no longer pregnant. Last night I relaxed in the bathtub, and it was hot, and I turned on the jets, and I mourned the fact that I could do those things because I was no longer pregnant.

At times I have this feeling of emptiness and sometimes I am surprised when I realize that I feel lonely, even in the midst of my children. I miss my little baby and I miss that bonding I always feel in pregnancy. This time I had started praying for her even before I knew that I was pregnant, because I knew it was a good possibility (due to NFP). Since she was conceived I prayed for her and bonded with her, and gradually began to notice the changes in my body because of her. And I rejoiced in her. And I especially rejoiced that I was pregnant during Advent. That always makes Advent even more special, as I can meditate even better on Mary's pregnancy and anticipation, and really feel a special kinship to her, and then rejoice with her on Christmas Day at the birth of Jesus, all the while anticipating the birth of my own child. Little did I expect that my own pregnancy would end soon after Christmas.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us during this time of loss. We appreciate it more than you know.

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